I Read This Article...

I’ve read plenty of stuff about motherhood.  I’ve read many articles telling moms that they are not failing, to stop comparing themselves to others, cheer up- you’re doing great, that kind of stuff.  I get it.  Women get down on themselves a lot.  I’ve read stuff in the past basically shaming mothers who do go above and beyond.  I mean, that may not have been their intention.  They were written by exasperated mothers begging other moms to stop doing so much because it makes them look bad.  No, that’s not what it was about either.  You see, there are many ways to take any given article.  And you choose how you want to take it.  I read one recently in defense of being a “good mom” that I liked, though still didn’t agree with all of it.

In this particular blog post (I’m not sure we can refer to everything shared on the internet as an “article” especially when it’s just some homemaker mom’s ramblings on a blog? Doesn’t “article” mean they did some research?  I don’t know, whatever.) she gave a situation where her child had a friend over and when this friend’s mom came to pick them up, she was like, “you sure go all out for play dates!”  And the mom-writer said she found herself making excuses and trying to downplay the things she had done.  Like she should feel bad that she had made cookies and let the kids do a fun craft.

One that I really liked, and was quite entertaining was QuitPointing Your Avocado at Me.  This one drives the point home that just because other moms do things a certain way, doesn’t mean they are judging you or trying to make you feel bad.

Maybe I’m abnormal, but I just don’t get the Mom-petition.  Where you are constantly comparing yourself to others, or worse- people on Pinterest with their extravagant everything.  Because the fact is that every family is different, every child is different, and every stage of life is different.

A friend of a friend on Facebook posted a question to her neighbors and friends that said, “How do all you mamas do it? I know what you see on FB isn't every day life but I've been to some of your homes and seen your kids. How do you have hot breakfasts every morning, packed school lunches, clean homes, craft activities, outings, nice dinner with home baked bread, and children who are reading at advanced reading levels? At the same time many are really good at working out or have their whole family eating clean foods. I REALLY just need to know your secrets :)”

I read this comment and thought, yes I do that, and that, and I did that this week though it’s not the norm…  I didn’t comment on it, because I’m not actually friends with her, but what I wanted to say is that there are times in our lives when those things are possible.  I wouldn’t make bread if I didn’t have some free time at home while the older kids are at school and the baby is napping.  I certainly haven’t always had a clean house, it’s impossible with young kids.  But now my kids are old enough to clean up their own messes and do a few chores as well.  Warm breakfasts, packed lunches and yummy dinners are important to me so I make them a priority.  Also, it helps my kids to function well, without the problems of low blood sugar they get from cereal, or the lack of focus they get from too much sugar, and Dylan avoids dairy so school lunch is harder to do.  But mostly I just like food and I enjoy cooking.  The fact that some children are at advanced reading levels has much more to do with the way the child was born and less to do with parent involvement.  To an extent at least.

I think it’s great to have goals and to ask people for some advice as to how to work your schedule or tips to keep on top of things with cleaning or meals.  But it’s important to understand your life is not the same as your neighbors and there’s no point in comparing.  There’s also no point in trying to make someone feel bad for doing something “too good”.  Or for eating “too healthy”.

I’ll be honest, I feel a little judged.  Not because I do the super-mom things.  I don’t.  And I don’t post things online very often so even if I did, nobody would really know.  But I do feel judged when it comes to food.  I feel like people think I’m too obsessive and my poor kids are deprived.  I wish I didn’t feel like that, but I’m to the point where I just don’t say anything around other people and just bite my tongue when my kid gets a Twinkie at 10 am (but really, is there ever an appropriate time to eat a Twinkie?)  There are plenty of people out there that get me, that are on the same page as me with how they want their kids to eat and how ridiculous it is that our kids are given so much junk all the time.  But for the most part, I feel like everyone knows where I stand by now, and I hope they understand that I’m not going to freak out if my kid gets a candy bar at bball practice.  I have accepted that they will be given junk and I try my best to limit the junk they get at home.  But I do feel like people look at my views negatively.  And it’s unfortunate, but it is what it is.  That doesn’t mean I’m going to start buying Fruit Loops so people will think I’m more “normal”.

I think we all just need to stop worrying about what everyone else is doing and do what works best for us.  Asking for advice because you really want to better yourself is one thing.  Comparing yourself and trying to figure out if you are “normal” or if your neighbor is “normal”, that is useless.